deception

last week I felt so restful
so whole
in purpose, in opportunity

my sense of self returning
the breadth of torso
all the things in it

coming back from that shrinking sucking edge



I was deceived
you bitch you deceived me

we deceived ourselves

this could be a GREAT emo song

I have had a hard time
getting this right
nothing supernatural
is shedding it's light

catastrophe is what it took to make me see
that anything good inside has never been me

shaving off the sick skin
in petals of red
surely not the first time
it's come to my head

catastrophe puckering wrinkles of despair
there is nothing else here nothing to spare

when there's a stillness
unfocus my eyes
I know this is not bliss
it's just getting high

catastrophe more profound than i've ever known
took away my future what I thought was my own

Ha!

Remember the bat??

You screamed like a girl, and I hid under the covers....... like a girl?

I miss stuff.

Firefly

Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me
Take me out to the black
Tell them I ain't comin' back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me
There's no place I can be
Since I found Serenity
But you can't take the sky from me...

I listened to this 14 times this weekend, it's kinda in my head. My neck is sore from sitting weird to watch lappy on the bed.

I'm not the first to say it, I'm sure I won't be the last, but SCREW YOU FOX for being such a moran and canceling that show. It was wicked good. I haven' seen the movie, but I'm dl'ing the new heroes tonight, and Serenity too.

why write it down?

First it was it's just sex

nothing serious

then it was I'm in a relationship

it's not like I'm getting married it's not like we're engaged





i see what you did there

and and and

I thought I'd have more to say, but I'm empty right now I guess. I'm pushing everyone away. I want to be alone with my grief for a while. It's fucking stupid that it took a status update on a pointless website to make it real for me.

I won't be calling or txting him anymore. I'm guessing that this first week will be the hardest. Then it will get easier. Each day, each week, each month, it will get easier to be without him....

....and I'll be getting thinner

....and stronger

....and closer to being out of debt

....and better at living for myself

Rebirth? Walls?

Ok so.

It was like someone you love, that died. That you never thought to see again. And all of a fucking sudden they come back. For like one goddamn night.

And there are all these restrictions, what to talk about, what not to. Or it will end the spell.

There were...

Fuck this. I never want to meet anyone again that's dead. I don't want to push my eyes against that inscrutable wall ever again.

Breach it, throw it down, or turn your face away from the monstrosity, and live with what it represents, even if you don't love it.

I cannot pretend it doesn't exist.