It's been 3 days. And Im not going to call you. It's been since tuesday, and I know you're not going to call me. The taping is next thursday, and if you show up, it will be the first time I've seen you since August.
You told me that you needed me.
I messed around with a guy this week. I could have slept with him. I sort of wanted to, I might next time. I don't give a shit about him. I guess that's kinda new. Maybe I'm just so lonely at this point it doesn't have to mean anything? I've never felt like that before.
Sometimes I can be so rational. You don't need me, you just need someone. You'll eventually meet a girl who will make you forget all about me, and I'll never cross your mind but as a vague feeling. That was nothing but a drunken conversation, and you didn't mean any of the parts that I wanted to hear, only the parts that were hard. Sometimes I can think those things and feel calm and understand that they are reality.
And sometimes I let myself linger on the other parts. "You look really good, I need you, you're so important to me, I couldn't stand you thinking that I don't care...." Hearing you get all choked up.
Then I think about the lying, how quickly you jumped into bed with someone else, how you keep saying over and over 'I don't know'.
I guess I know, when I'm rational. You're young, you want to experience as many women as possible, play the field, while you still can. You'll eventually get sick of that, and you'll find someone else to settle down with. I wonder how long that will take.
Anyway. By then I'll hopefully be happily adjusted to being alone, or dating someone who treats me right.
I can't allow myself to think that we will ever have another chance at happiness together. It's just not realistic.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Broke as a Joke Creamy Ramen Delight
What you'll need:
Scavenging potential for:
Veggies def, Meat.. hopefully?
I Block Ramen - any Flvr
Water - I KNOW you've got that
Flour
Bullion - as available
Spices - as available
Put some water on a back burner for the noodles (don't add em yet), bring it up to a simmer, let it hang out.
Scour your freezer for any frozen veggies, and hopefully you'll find some meatballs left over from when you had some money, I did! Yes! But if you have left over whatever, chicken, tofu, porks, grab it.
In a smallish saucepan, melt about 1 tbs butter, then stir in enough flour to make a nice roux. Generally bout as much butter as you used. When it comes together, scrape that stuff out into a medium bowl.
In the same pan, add about 1.5 cup water, the ramen packet, (I used beef cause I found meatballs) and whatever bullion and spices you have. Light simmer here.
Okay, so on to the delight. If your veggies and/or meat are frozen, you can either nuke em, or blanch them in the ghetto broth you just made. When your delight ingredients are at least room temp, throw them in the bowl with the roux, and mix that crap right up, so everything is well coated. Extra moisture at this point is good, get the roux working on it's creamy stylins.
So now, you can crank the water for the noodles, and throw them in when it's ready. I suggest overcooking them a little, because they're going to soak up the sauce, and that might make for a slightly thicker dish than you're really looking for.
Okay, so grab a rubber spatula and scrape all the yummy delight-ness into your saucepan with the ghetto broth. Low simmer here, and stir till all is well incorporated. The ghetto broth will get nice and creamy, like a stroganoff sauce. Totally delight.
When noodles are ready, drain completely, toss in a bowl, and cover with your Ghetto Saucy Delight.
Enjoy with sweet thoughts of the cash dollar greenbacks you saved trotting through your mind.
See, ramen CAN be classy!
Scavenging potential for:
Veggies def, Meat.. hopefully?
I Block Ramen - any Flvr
Water - I KNOW you've got that
Flour
Bullion - as available
Spices - as available
Put some water on a back burner for the noodles (don't add em yet), bring it up to a simmer, let it hang out.
Scour your freezer for any frozen veggies, and hopefully you'll find some meatballs left over from when you had some money, I did! Yes! But if you have left over whatever, chicken, tofu, porks, grab it.
In a smallish saucepan, melt about 1 tbs butter, then stir in enough flour to make a nice roux. Generally bout as much butter as you used. When it comes together, scrape that stuff out into a medium bowl.
In the same pan, add about 1.5 cup water, the ramen packet, (I used beef cause I found meatballs) and whatever bullion and spices you have. Light simmer here.
Okay, so on to the delight. If your veggies and/or meat are frozen, you can either nuke em, or blanch them in the ghetto broth you just made. When your delight ingredients are at least room temp, throw them in the bowl with the roux, and mix that crap right up, so everything is well coated. Extra moisture at this point is good, get the roux working on it's creamy stylins.
So now, you can crank the water for the noodles, and throw them in when it's ready. I suggest overcooking them a little, because they're going to soak up the sauce, and that might make for a slightly thicker dish than you're really looking for.
Okay, so grab a rubber spatula and scrape all the yummy delight-ness into your saucepan with the ghetto broth. Low simmer here, and stir till all is well incorporated. The ghetto broth will get nice and creamy, like a stroganoff sauce. Totally delight.
When noodles are ready, drain completely, toss in a bowl, and cover with your Ghetto Saucy Delight.
Enjoy with sweet thoughts of the cash dollar greenbacks you saved trotting through your mind.
See, ramen CAN be classy!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Disk cleanup.
Running on my machine right now, nothing else really to do except update this here whatever this is.
I had a damaging conversation on Wednesday, and I fixed it right up with a cheezburger at ruby tuesdays. I was thinking about them all day, and I haven't had a burger in like... months, so it was extra satisfying. Plus, I get a hankering for that salad bar every so often, it's really good.
Oh, I know, that's terribly exciting. I know you wanted to know how much satisfaction I found in my buffalo burger. /fascinated
Something that is interesting and possibly awesome to other people/my future self, is that I've lost a ton of lbs, and I'm on a demanding but awesome gym routine that I really enjoy and will stick with.
I've realized that I love lifting. Love it. 3 days a week, 2 days of what Tina calls 'active recovery' where you just steady cardio, no crazy intervals or anything. It's really great, I'm never bored, and I actually look forward to getting to the gym and sweating out the shit of the day.
It's nuts how you have to force yourself to get motivated.... so you can be motivated. It's like what Julie's been saying since the breakup: "Fake it till it's real". It's really true. If you have to do something that seems impossible, just fake it. Fake that you feel nothing, fake that you have the motivation to do something, fake that you're in control.
Eventually, you realize that it just happened, without you even knowing it, without really even trying. You just pretended your way past a bad breakup, into a weight loss program that works, and through a mental breakdown. When you finally come to your senses, you realize that maybe all that trauma was necessary. Healthy even.
Hmn. I'll be considering this.
I had a damaging conversation on Wednesday, and I fixed it right up with a cheezburger at ruby tuesdays. I was thinking about them all day, and I haven't had a burger in like... months, so it was extra satisfying. Plus, I get a hankering for that salad bar every so often, it's really good.
Oh, I know, that's terribly exciting. I know you wanted to know how much satisfaction I found in my buffalo burger. /fascinated
Something that is interesting and possibly awesome to other people/my future self, is that I've lost a ton of lbs, and I'm on a demanding but awesome gym routine that I really enjoy and will stick with.
I've realized that I love lifting. Love it. 3 days a week, 2 days of what Tina calls 'active recovery' where you just steady cardio, no crazy intervals or anything. It's really great, I'm never bored, and I actually look forward to getting to the gym and sweating out the shit of the day.
It's nuts how you have to force yourself to get motivated.... so you can be motivated. It's like what Julie's been saying since the breakup: "Fake it till it's real". It's really true. If you have to do something that seems impossible, just fake it. Fake that you feel nothing, fake that you have the motivation to do something, fake that you're in control.
Eventually, you realize that it just happened, without you even knowing it, without really even trying. You just pretended your way past a bad breakup, into a weight loss program that works, and through a mental breakdown. When you finally come to your senses, you realize that maybe all that trauma was necessary. Healthy even.
Hmn. I'll be considering this.
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