It's been 3 days. And Im not going to call you. It's been since tuesday, and I know you're not going to call me. The taping is next thursday, and if you show up, it will be the first time I've seen you since August.
You told me that you needed me.
I messed around with a guy this week. I could have slept with him. I sort of wanted to, I might next time. I don't give a shit about him. I guess that's kinda new. Maybe I'm just so lonely at this point it doesn't have to mean anything? I've never felt like that before.
Sometimes I can be so rational. You don't need me, you just need someone. You'll eventually meet a girl who will make you forget all about me, and I'll never cross your mind but as a vague feeling. That was nothing but a drunken conversation, and you didn't mean any of the parts that I wanted to hear, only the parts that were hard. Sometimes I can think those things and feel calm and understand that they are reality.
And sometimes I let myself linger on the other parts. "You look really good, I need you, you're so important to me, I couldn't stand you thinking that I don't care...." Hearing you get all choked up.
Then I think about the lying, how quickly you jumped into bed with someone else, how you keep saying over and over 'I don't know'.
I guess I know, when I'm rational. You're young, you want to experience as many women as possible, play the field, while you still can. You'll eventually get sick of that, and you'll find someone else to settle down with. I wonder how long that will take.
Anyway. By then I'll hopefully be happily adjusted to being alone, or dating someone who treats me right.
I can't allow myself to think that we will ever have another chance at happiness together. It's just not realistic.
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