Mean little mind.

I had an extremely chill weekend, and damn, it was fine.

We went to my P's house, and the boy helped them plot out the steps to a beautiful patio in front of the new shed. He's going to help them do it up right and get them contractor deals and stuff if he can. I love that they love him, and value him and his opinions.

I saw the ex last tuesday night, and I was pretty much half in the bag. I was embarrassed and kind of upset afterwards, and ended up crawling down to the end of that stinking bag to escape it. I felt horrible the next day, but went into work anyway, feeling stupid and sorry for myself. I talked (read: IMed/Emailed) with a couple of friends and they were both really supportive.

The best thing was "...just don't think about it too much. it doesn't matter what he thinks. you're happy. you have a ton of friends and a great boyfriend. that's all that matters." That pretty much bitch-slapped me out of my rut of self pity and mortification.

I realized that it's totally true. I DO have a bunch great friends, I DO have a great boy, and that really IS all that matters. I was stressed out about who he was making disparaging remarks to about me, and her comment made me realize: The only people he was barking to were people that I don't know, I don't care about anymore, or don't care about me. So really.... who cares?

He can have his fun making nasty comments about my weight, or how drunk I was on a school night, or the other myriad things I'm sure his mean little mind was putting away for later perusal and disgorgement. He can go ahead and do that, because he doesn't affect me anymore.

I've never before had the kind of relationship that I have now. I've never had the circle of real friends that I have now. I have an awesome relationship with my Parents and my Sister. I have it really good. I'm not going to let him spoil it for one more second.

last night

my head on your outflung arm
ribcages touching
the steady rise and fall
I become aware
tandem

now, conscious of it
do I try to keep the rhythm?

was the synchronization of our bodies
unnoticed
more meaningful?

are you aware
and match your breath to mine?

I am falling asleep, slowly claimed
into dreams uncharted

we align again

Somehow written in a cubicle.

Sometimes when I sit down at the computer and start making mental noises, intending to write, I find myself forgetting to think. I type the first thing that comes to mind, regardless of it's relevance or authenticity. I fail to consider why I'm sitting here with the little nubs under my forefingers, or what it is that I want to accomplish.

I think, when I was younger, shallow, and longing constantly to find out what's next, this approach worked for me. I had my eyes locked on the internal maelstrom, and all I could grasp were the flotsam flying by me, tossed up in the spray. I had no interest in the shadowy lurking things detaching themselves from the bottom, avoiding the flashing center and whipping along, far, far from the surface.

I don't have that luxury now. Those shadowy behemoths have breached the surface, swum along it at length. Some have settled in permanently, having dropped their scaly anchors, and go about sending scouting parties, looking for land. I should have known, I should have been warned. I should have posted sentries, set tripwires, floating mines.

I suppose though, that every story (life) must have conflict to win through in triumph, must face loss to believe in love. If those terrors had never reached me, if they had lingered in the deeps and never challenged me for these seas that have settled somewhat and that I call my own... well. I would clutch still at the glittering spray, and catch nothing.

Where you at?

Sis is gone off to tromp through the woods, the boy and I are waiting for some money to fall from the heavens, and roomie is still unemployed.

I continue to be the maid, secretary, chef, lawyer, PR liason, garbage man, dishwasher, accountant, and primary bread winner in the household.

I think I've hit the wall as far as roommates are concerned. I think the only way I'd be able to carry on with it is if A) We had our own bathroom B) We set up some kind of Clean Standard.

I wish we had a porch, a pool and less neighbors. :) And I want to stay in town. Lottery? Where you at?